CERTAIN INFORMATION TO HAVE AT YOUR DISPOSAL WHEN LYING ABOUT ATTENDING YALE

by Nat Whitten

Where are your transcripts?

They've been unfortunately misplaced due to the switchover from paper (pre-1994) to digital (post-1994). This has occurred with approximately 1.2% of all matriculated students, and cannot be remedied, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

What about a reference from one of your professors?

My two favorite professors, Edward Lidengale (18 th Century English Novel) and Lyle Havenpock (Sociology of Western Nubians) have not only retired from active teaching, they both are dead. Tragically, Lidengale from a cerebral hemmorage and Havenpock from liver disease. Here are there obituaries. All other professors I challenged their viewpoints, so they would have an ax to grind should you ask them about me. Therefore, I choose not to put them on my reference sheet.

How is it you are so young, yet attended Yale in the late 80s?

I was gifted child, on the accelerated program. I graduated Yale when I was 15.

Why is your resume so full of holes?

Sabbaticals, you mean? I spent the time in between my formal education in search of Buddha, as well as in entrepreneurial start-ups in the bedroom of my parent's home which challenged my inventiveness and reasoning ability. Alas, the combination hotcomb/toothbrush did not make it past Stage Two Clinical Trials; we had high hopes. Yet failure teaches you something much more valuable than success.

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