REASONS MY FRIEND TOM LEBBERDORN WOULD MAKE A GREAT NOMINEE FOR SUPREME COURT JUSTICE OF THE UNITED STATES

by Nat Whitten

Because he has no previous legal training. Untainted by any experience with the law whatsoever, Tom would maintain an open mind when it comes time to debate the merits of a case.

No baggage of previous decisions regarding Roe v. Wade. This fact makes him an easy nominee for the Congress to approve. Having not formed an opinion on this or any other issue, at least publicly, he'd sail through the approval process.

Can operate a gavel. Tom spent last summer working construction for his dad's roof repair business.   A hammer and a gavel are not that far apart in terms of hand-arm coordination.   Tom could do this job.

Firm vision of the future. I know Tom would like everyone to be friends, there to be no war, or famine, or pestilence, and if there's a luxury sedan and a nice house in Georgetown in it for him he'd be more than happy to accept.

Ability to ask the right questions. As long as I've known Tom, he's questioned everything in his life. girlfriend, job, beer vs. hard liquor, and consumer culture. He reads a lot of Kafka.  

He's recently dropped out of the University of Rhode Island. This would give him something to fill his time, which right now is spent playing Nintendo Quadra/Hyperzone.

Used to sitting on a bench. Tom has never proven himself much of an athlete, and has spent countless hours riding the pine. Being paid for it would be a bonus.

Comfortable in robes. He's one of the few people I'm aware of besides that weird old guy from Playboy Magazine who still wears around the house. Slippers too.   Do Supreme Court Justices wear slippers?

Would fight for the decriminalization of marijuana. I'm pretty certain of this, as Tom smokes 3 joints daily. Minimum.

He's an expert at settling disputes involving men, women and pachyderms.

He is much smarter than his academic record to date indicates.

Would add youth to the bench. Tom is only 17 years old. Based on actuarial tables, he'd last through the next 10 administrations, which would give future presidents one less headache to deal with.

To give hope to the poor and indigent that they could grow up to be a Supreme Court Justice like Tom Lebberdorn. (i.e. "If a loser like Tom can make it to the bench, so can I!")

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