THE WEEKEND REPORT

By Mike Topp

HELLFIRE

I went to an S&M club and got arrested in a raid. The police said if I was handcuffed it would cost $500 extra.

ANNA

Is she silly in a good way? Is she silly in a bad way? I can make her less silly or I can make her more silly. Or I can make her boring and competent or I can feature the former model frequently in shower scenes. The choice is yours. But if you do not make a choice, I will make a choice on your behalf.

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ALTERNATE ENDINGS

1. The evil genius successfully robs Fort Knox.
2. She lives.
3. They don't drive over the cliff.
4. It wasn't Fredo.
5. He tells her he gives a damn.
6. The wizard is real.

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RED CLOUD

Red Cloud, a Chickulla Indian, announced at age 111 that he was just about through with women after four marriages and 39 children.

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THE FLAMINGO KID

Matt Dillon was at the party but he was fifty percent of what he used to be. Perhaps that's why movie stars live their last years in seclusion.

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