WEEKEND REPORT

By Mike Topp

GAME FOR PARTY

Make one-eighth-inch incision connecting fang marks. Suck out venom and spit it out in container at hips.

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Zuh most graceful creatures can also be zuh deadliest, according to Jacques Cousteau.

BOYCOTT

Don't buy clothes from American Apparel. The owner who is married had an affair with a model I heard.

SILVER LINING

A friend with money is a friend indeed.

MEN'S ROOM TRIVIA

What was Batman's real name?
Bruce Fuckface.

1999

New House: $4,625
New Car: $1,025
Gasoline: 15 cents per gallon
Movie Ticket: 50 cents

THE LITTLE EGG (AN ALLEGORY)

There was once a little egg. Its mother, a plain little sparrow, doted on her egg. She spent hours sitting on it and waiting until the day her egg would turn into a billion dollars.

I SAILED TO TAHITI WITH AN ALL GIRL CREW

I sailed to Tahiti with an all girl crew. It was horrible.
The boat sank and we all drowned.

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THE BOOK BY YOUR FEARLESS FOUNDER AND EDITOR: