NEW SERIES: BEHIND THE SMOKE

ReallySmallTalk is happy to announce that we have a correspondent working in a New York marketing agency that markets tobacco products. He will be checking in regularly to give you an inside view on what it's like to work on tobacco and cigarette related advertising efforts.

MEET YOUR CORRESPONDENT: Anthony Remus

My advertising firm helps sell tobacco. It is easy.
Are you smoking right now? You aren't? Well go have a
smoking moment. Make it like we tell you: lustful,
delicious, exciting, rich, and sensational. What an
easy product to sell! Everyone should be smoking right
now. That would be smooth livin'.

Ok, stop reading. Now look down at your hands. Are you
holding a lit cigarette? (smooth, isn't it?) See my
point. I am good. Now go buy some more, and be sure to
visit the website and register, so we can send you two
billion stupid coupons every month.

PART 1: A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO STARTING SMOKING

By Anthony Remus

1) If you are over the age of 14 and haven't started smoking yet, then get with the program and stop reading this list. If you are under 14, then please continue.

2) Start a growing dissent towards authority figures, whether they are at home, school or church - basically anyone telling you to get that damn hair cut. If you can't come to terms with this initial step, then stop reading. We don't want your wussy business.

3) Start mumbling.

4) This should lead you straight into the path of the bad crowd. Hang out with them. Swear together, and perform irrelevant acts of property destruction involving things you would normally do in a toilet (Vomit in stairwells, pee on doorknobs, etc.).  

5) At this point anyone who has not followed you this far should be dropped. We don't need their business, either. Even if this person has been a good friend since pre-school, drop them. Ignore them in the hall, and let their tears bring you a twisted sense of joy.

6) Steal a pack of cigarettes from your parents or older sibling. Don't worry - they won't smell it on you. We have already subdued their senses through years of research. Evil do-gooders have made it impossible for you to buy them anywhere, so if you do get caught, make sure you blame your turn to crime on the government.

7) Pull a cigarette out of the pack slowly. Look at the brand and try to remember it for our market research. Light the end and drag deep into the lungs. Exhale. Will be a little harsh at the start but you did that same sort of coughing when you escaped the womb. Consider it a rebirth. Regardless of what you are feeling, let everyone now how much you enjoy it. This will do wonders for your status. Besides, you can get a buzz.

8) Get used to that flavor - it is rich and luxorious (if our research proves right).  

9) Continue to smoke. Make any event in your life an excuse to have a cigarette (eating, fighting, breakdowns, celebrations, sex, etc.) Start drinking, too. They taste great together.  

10) Die, but not before growing at least past middle-aged, and you have had a chance to sample all of our lustful and flavorful blends. They are smooth!

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