CASH BABY

by Brian Beatty

My girlfriend and I recently saw the new Todd Solondz film, Palindromes. Not to give too much away, it’s about an adolescent girl who wants to have tons of babies. My girlfriend and I don’t want to have any babies, not even one, but wherever we look now, babies are all we see. Tons of babies, taunting us. So we decided, my girlfriend and me, that Mr. Solondz's next film should be about a young innocent who craves laundry bags full of unmarked cash. Because we would like to buy a house.

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TODAY’S SPECIALS

by Mike Topp

Anxiety

Insomnia

Nervousness

Decreased Libido

Abnormal Coordination

MY NEW TATTOOS

by Dan Kennedy

Left forearm:

1989 Honda Prelude

Braun coffee maker

Late thirties couple on Rollerblades

Nachos

Crate and Barrel vase

Right forearm:

Half empty Arizona Ice Tea bottle

Black canvas carry on suitcase with wheels

Bottle of balsamic vinegar

Neck:

Banner: "I'll be with you in just a moment, sir."

Stomach:

Handgun

Bottle of pills

Satan laughing

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THE BOOK, THE AUDIO, THE TYPING ABOUT BOTH