RECENT INCIDENTS IN MY LOVE LIFE

By Lucy Baker

At work the delivery guy comes into my office with a package for my boss.  As I am signing for it, he tells me that I smell good.  I don’t know what to do so I say “Thank you.”  A few days later he stands by the Xerox machine and watches me make photocopies.  He tells me that my earrings are really pretty.  I say they are made of seashells, and he grins.

About a week after that I’m walking down the hall and he is coming towards me.  When we are about to pass each other he holds out his hand, as if for a high-five.  Partly on instinct and partly because I don’t want to be rude, I extend my hand.  Instead of slapping my palm he squeezes my fingers.  When he lets go I hurry for the elevator.   

Later, I tell my co-worker Jeremy what happened.

“I think one of the mailroom guys is obsessed with me,” I say.

“Which one?” Jeremy asks, and I describe him.

“Robert?” Jeremy says, “He’s not obsessed with you.  He’s mildly retarded.  He acts that way towards everyone.  Last week he patted my head and told me I had awesome hair.” 

Oh.

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